Well I was not expecting that!

Went to Manchester yesterday to visit the father. Unfortunatley, the trip did not result in a wagamama meal like I had hoped. Although I did help (chopped the veg) in making roasted Butternutsquash, peppers and onions in some oil with added spices, served alongside lime and coriander cous cous. It was nice but didn't wipe the floor with the yaki udon - that reigns supreme!

I have had this ongoing battle of wills with my dad for about 4 years now, about me meeting his mum and dad - my nan and grandad!? Dunno how I view them. Anyway we have always been stubborn in nature. I have always refused to give in to the fact that I just want to meet them and to be acknowledged by them. And Dad has always been stubborn and firmly said No!

So it did come as quite a rather large shock (I was wearing a plastic viking hat at the time) when he just comes out with, 'so ive discussed with my mum and dad about them meeting you its gunna happen, sooner rather than later i think' I was like whooaah! Well i bloodywell was not expecting that! Although it is something I have always wanted, never for the life of me did I think anything would materialise. Now I am shitting it all over again, all nervous and stuff just like when I was 16 and I met dad for the first time. I hate that feeling, it makes me feel all sick and mouth watery. But I am not backing out, no bloody way. It's gunna be wierd anyway. What the hell do you say to two people who have known of your existance for 20 years, yet not done anything about wanting to know you.

I am a bit scared!

I did learn something new though, dad is trying to be daddy cool, and is probably going through some form of early mini midlife crisis or something. He has just bought a bass guitar thingy, it is rather niice though. Yesterday I had never even held a guitar, and now I can strum along to some sigur ros track. GO ME!! Granted it did take me like 2 hours to finally master it.

Today (Sunday) Woke up early for work :( left Ben sleeping peacefully in bed, which made me wana stay. Then I got to work, after nearly getting ran over by some dickhead who was going waay to fast. And I had to try and coax some drunk man out of the shop who would not leave, he insisted me on telling me the story of how he had just been arrested at the bus stop for being drunk and disorderly. Apparently he told the lone policewoman to 'Fuck off', So she seemingly just let him go. Care for the community or what eh. I felt pissed just off the alcoholic fumes of his minging breath.

Went the cinema with the girls tonight, went too see duplicity. If you want a money saving tip - DO NOT waste your money going and see it. It will make you cry with tears of boredom, it is rubbish. You would get more joy out of watching paint dry.

It's the weekend!

I read my arse off for the bloody reading quiz test yesterday, don't think I did that well though. As always I seem to take mental notes of all the non important stuff in the text. Ohwell it's done now. Also I got given an essay for both intro to lit and how English works. Looking at the questions, im feeling rather confident and positive that I can do well and achieve a semi decent grade, I will try my best anyway. I think the trick is to actually start them way before they are due in, rather than leave them until three days before (my downfall last year!)

Ben and mysef watched p.s i love you the other night, whereas I love the soppyness and romance of it all, he was somewhat more reluctant to watch it. Although by the end of he film I got the impression he secretly enjoyed it. But to balance out the soppy factor and increase masculinity, we decided on buying ' The last King of Scotland dvd. . . which I must recomend!. . .even if you watch it just to gawp over James Macavoy. Very good film, Forest Whitakers performance is outstanding, alhough the film is no where near as violet as I thought it was going to be.

Today I'm typing this whilst watching holiday showdown, which is rather depressing for two reasons: 1) Some family is off to dubai and staying in a hotel that just looks like heaven and I want to be there, and 2) some family is of to Blackpool for a week! And they think it is the best thing ever, even though they have travelled abroad before. I mean i've got nothing against Blackpool (for a day out or something), Ive spent some good times there when I was a nipper with my nan and grandad. But the state it's in now, spending a week there I can imagine just being sheer hell! It is quite sad watching this family try to big it up, eating burgers everyday for their breakfast, dinner and tea.

Anyway im of to Manchester today to go and see my Dad. Wonder what we shall be doing? Im guna try get him to go wagamama again, everytime I go see him, we end up there without fail. I'm in the mood for a plate of yaki udon and some duck gayoza. yum!

Sexist Chocolate

My brief shift at the co-op today went suprisingly fast, which was rather good. Although I did stay behind an extra 20 minutes to make 22 bus passes. Some man came in exactly one minute before the end of my shift wanting bus passes for 22 children - I don't think they were all his kids, is it even humanly possible to give birth to 22 children!? Surely your body would just collapse. I think he worked for a childrens home or something. Anway thats not the point.

When I finally escaped the bus pass office, I was taking a stroll down the sweet aisle I heard something so cute and innocent that it genuinly made me smile. A little girl about age 6 had a Yorkie chocolate bar in her hand and was looking up at her mum and waving it about. She said, 'mummy I want this chocolate today, but I can't have it can I because it says its not for girls'. How cute! It really made me smile.

Maybe Nestle shouldn't portray Yorkies as 'Not for girls'. If that little girls mum hadn't corrected her to the fact she could have it, nestle could have lost a valuable customer, thanks to a sexist slogan.

The five flavours of calm.

Didn't do much today, I woke up had jam on toast and a cup of tea, watched some crap on t.v. Although I did ring the tax people at the co op they were not really helpful, but hopefully I should be recieving the money back....... soon!...... Soon - how long is bloody soon. Why can't they just be specific, bunch of arses.

Anyway it is 2.30am and I am still awake, I am tired but I have the feeling I will not be able to get asleep. It doesn't help when I'm home alone, all of the girls are at their boyfriends - so I should be thankful for the rare peace and quiet I suppose. Although there is something rather unsettling about being on your own. I do not like the fact the only sound I can hear is the boiler and the bloody beeping of the smoke alarm, that has been on its way out for a fair few months now - although the landlord reasures us he will 'fix it'. We will all probably have to perish in a fire before he gets off his arse and does something about it.

When I am on my own I do not like the kitchen, you see we have an energy saving bulb in there and when you first turn it on it is really dim, it makes the kitchen look all scary and dead creepy - especially at night, and I always think someone is going to stick their arm round the door and grab me or something.

When we first moved in the house we got our friend to go up in the loft because the house smelt of weed, we wondered if there was a cannibis farm up there or something. There wasn't ,but what we did find was an old hoover part, some bits of computer or something - and an axe!! - What the hell!!? Hope it wasn't used in a crime! As a group we decided on keeping it though, it lives in the cupboard. It is blunt and wouldn't cut an apple, but if anyone tried to burgle me tonight I think I would look rather intimidating brandishing an axe.

I ran out of camomile tea last night, so today I went and purchased some more. Although now I am spoilt for choice - I decided on a variety pack of twinings tea 'moments of calm'. I have a choice of five flavours of calm, i'm thinking of going with the camomile honey and vanilla variety. I was just thinking of going to bed - avoiding the kitchen, but need to get the chicken out. damn!

This made me laugh

Last week in lecture I was flicking through the Norton Anthology and noticed something rather obscure and possibly quite funny. In the sixteenth century picture section there is a portrait of Will Shakespeare, 'The chandos Portrait', by anonymous date unknown.

Everytime I glance upon it I can't help but think that the geezer looks rather a lot like the comic genius Bill Bailey!

Aaaw lovely Ben

He has won tickets to the Wolves match tomorrow, but instead of going (like I told him he should) he has sold the tickets. So we are off to nando's - how lovely. A free meal seeing as he got the tickets for free anyway. Happy days.
Hopefully this time there won't be a 20 minute wait, and we can be left in peace to sit there and happily eat our olives and drown in peri peri sauce .

Gas Bill

Just recieved the gas bill, 600 odd quid from the period December - March. I nearly died! (no word of a lie!) What the frigging hell have we been doing?? I told my mum, not that she can do anything. (Im pretty sure she almost died to)

So now I am sat in the cold, because we are scared of putting the heating on. Before coming university one of my college teachers did give me an 'invaluabe student tip', - always put tin foil around your radiator as it keeps the heat in. I have avoided this tip thus far, partly because I don't want to appear a freak when people come round and see foil splashed about around the radiator. And secondly we never have any tin foil in anyway.

Ah the life of a student.

Poor mum

I haven't spoken to my family much lately, I don't know why really although I could try blaming it on lack of phone credit (which is true) and the fact we don't make calls from our house phone, because then it would cost us. And last month a major arguement kicked off in our house, when the bill showed that someone had been making calls to other landlines (16 to be precise) and with no one admitting making the calls, it was left to the girl whos name the bill is in to pay the extra - which isn't fair really. So I just decide to stay away from the bloody thing.

Last night it appears my mum tried to call me 7 times - I missed well all of them, not purposely may I add. She then went on to send me a text saying 'it's ok don't worry im just calling you to hav a chat if you're about'. Then after I didnt get back to her, she molested my facebook wall with a lovely little message only a mother could write, making me feel guilty all the while. Mentioning how Ellis actually says she misses me, ahh bless.

So now I feel ssoooo bad that I haven't got back to her. Not that she will ever read this blog, as she doesn't know of its existance, but I just want to say - sorry mum!!
I hope she doesn't think I am dead or something.

I'm not even doing anything decent to justify not speaking to them. I am sat cross legged in bed typing this crap, whilst thinking about whether to have a shower now or later. Best go text her actually, let her know I am alive.

Sweet Tooth - The best sweet shop in the land full stop

From today I am officially off work on 'holiday' for a week. So I have just indulged in a bottle of Magners and watched some trash on t.v, for no other reason other than I can. So ha!

Tomorrow instead of going work or having to go uni I will probably do nothing, this is a change from the norm, although I am not to sure if I like having nothing to do. It makes feel a little on edge sometimes. I like having stuff to do. Knowing me I will probably find myself bored by about 2pm, so will probably end up doing some reading for intro to lit.

Oooh actually! I've just remembered I have some books that are due back at the university library (2 days over due already!)....hope they don't hit me with a bank balance destroying fine.

Number one plan on the agenda tomorrow is visit sweet tooth, its a little old fashioned sweet shop near the newbridge inn. Full of character and jars of sweets from back in ye olde days, I would even go as far as saying it's amazing! Sweets that ar weighed on old fashioned scales, wrapped up in a little bag with red ribbon.

I have yet to introduce Ben to this place, everytime we plan on going we either seem to fall asleep or get there as it is closing. We had a rather long stroll one Sunday to Sweet tooth, no point to our walk other than, I was insistant that I must have some rhubarb and custards. When we got there the man was locking up. Gutted! I had to make do with a shitty aero from the co-op.

Sad I know, but I am wondering what I shall get tomorrow.......tom thumbs or kop kops maybe even mixed bolied sweets. hhhmmm!? Important stuff eh!!

The North West

Ahh how I miss it.

Other weekend news

Sorry about that hideously long blog. I have decided I want to see my mum and sister more than my dad, he can wait a few weeks longer. It seems I am always waiting for him to fit me in with his plans.


Other weekend news :) .....or lack of.

Well last week I was making plans in my head for this weekend, I wanted to make the most of my weekend off work, and do stuff like go to the zoo with Ben. Since finishing lecture on Friday we have done sod all apart from laze in bed, cook Fajitas and watch the footy, alongside drinking copious amounts of fizzy vimto. It has turned out to be one of the best weekends I have had in a long time.

A parental decision

It's my week off work, so I am allowing myself some extra indulgent thinking time, I wasn't thinking about anything inparticular, until I was faced with a little dillemma, although I know the answer deep in my mind I think i need to write this just to clarify stuff in my head.

Here it goes - I am 20 years old and have only witnessed my Mum and Dad together once in all that time. I am not expecting people to feel sorry for me or anything, because everyones life is different, so for me this is just normal. My family is kind of just thrown together, it is hard to explain without atleast a five minute conversational story. (The family im talking about is on my mums side) Although some of them I am not related to in anyway, I would never consider them not to be my family. The are the only people I have got and I love the bones of them, they have helped in raising me, and I am immensly proud of every single one of them and fiercely protective to.
Yet on my Dads' side, I have two grandparents who seemingly do not wish to see me (through no fault of my own) and as I found out from my Dad a few months back, I am a hidden secret and most of his family do not even know of my existance. If i am honest this is rather a crushing blow, I don't want to sound like a dramatic fool here but a part of me got detroyed when I was told. I long for the rest of 'my family' to know about me, and for them to feel the pride for me that I know my mum does. I want them to now what a bloody good job she has done single handedly raising me.


I hate myself for this, but I do have an order in which I love my immediate family, my Mum and sister will always recieve more love from me than I could ever imagine myself giving to my Dad, although I love him to, when I think about things I feel a mixture of regret, love, resentment, jealousy and frustration at the way in which things involving him could have been so different.


My mum was not a 'stereotypical' teen parent that society bombards us with today. She had never smoked or took drugs (still hasnt - I hope!!) was the model A- Grade student, who had ambitions that could have been achieved, if it was't for my arrival. My parents went out as teenagers at school, she was 16 and my dad 15 when my mum found she was pregnant. They were not together by this time.

My dads family are catholics, so im guessing I was a shame and because my Dad was young, like any parent he was protected by his mum and dad. I don't know if he knew of this, but the rest of his family was not told he was expecting a child. Meanwhile my mum did not tell her parents she was pregnant until she was 3 or 4 months. Which came as a shock, but one she was supported through and the rest of the family gave their unconditional love and help.

All 2lb 12oz of me was born 3 months early. (This is maybe a good thing, as the date I was due on, is/was Hitler's Birthday) I was subsequently transferred to a special care baby unit and kept in hospital for three months until my mum was well enough to take my scrawny self home. During this time, not one person from my Dad's side of the family not even my Dad made the effort to come and see me. Whislt on the other hand my Mum and the family on her side made the effort to go on the bus for the two hour round trip to come see me everyday.

Mum never scrounged and had several jobs to help buy the things I needed, I didn't have a dad but so what, I had the best childhood. All the memories I have are happy ones (playing boats with my uncle in my nan's laundry basket) and my mum aged 2o coming to collect me from the climbing frame in the park, where I had got myself stuck at aged 4. I remember the first pair of trainers she got me, I never wanted to get them dirty. Or the electronic jeep she worked so hard to buy me for christmas. I never really thought about the lack of a father, because I had never had one present. Although it appears from both of their accounts, the last time he saw me I was 2 or 3. Not that it was a problem for me then i was too young to know, It's only now in my adult life that having a dad is causing problems.

When dad was 18/19 off he popped to university to do (...not to sure) whilst my fiercely independant Mum was left at home rasing me without any help from my dad. When I was 4 mum met a man who I went on to call Dad. From their relationship they produced my wonderful sister Ellis who I am so proud of. They were together a long time then it crumbled. Leaving Ellis without a Dad, me without a 'Dad' for a second time, but also mum single again.

We went along in life like three peas in a pod, I never questioned my dad's existance really. Until I was 16, then it all unfolded form there, outside Tescos near Father's day. (haha)

I remember shitting it meeting my dad, if my mum was shitting it to I couldn't tell. Although she probably was. This was the first and last time they had seen each other since they were 18 or something.

I have known my father 4 years now, although he is a pain I would rather have him than no Dad. ...He can be ok sometimes. We are both just incredibly stubborn and too much alike in our personalities. He has had the oppurtunity to come several parents evenings, awards evenings A level results day etc..he hasn't came to any. And my mum and dad never speak to each other ever, which apart from being rather sad, is bloody annoying - especially when i recieved to camera's for christmas this year.

So now I am faced with a dillemma - I only ever see him like every 3 months, and I have only been home from uni 5 times, since I moved out in september 2007. So it would be nice to spend time with my mum and sister.
Now both folks are offering to see me on the 28th of this month and I don't know what to do. My mind is saying Mum and sister, but I also want to see my dad. But know that if i don't see him now, I won't get to see him for another few months. aaaaaarrrrrggghhhh. I feel bad because I know my mum has given me more love than Dad ever will, so I feel like its my duty to say yes to her. I don't know what to do.

I am 20 my Mum is 36 my sister 13 and my Dad 35, and still coming to a decision is hard. I would love to be 4 years old again, being rescued from the climbing frame by my mum.

hhhhmmmmmmmmm what to do??

....'Aren't you the lady who works in bus passes'

Before I get started with the babbling I want to share something important! DO NOT waste your time reading 'My booky wook' by Russell Brand. (Was a gift for christmas) I know what follows is only my personal opinion, others may differ. Basically its crap! I've got 50 pages in, my guess is, if i don't like it now I never will. Might try sell it on ebay, some goon will buy it.
I did buy 'Salmon fishing in the Yemen', a book iv'e wanted to read for a while but never got round to. Gunna start that tonight me thinks. Plus I like Salmon (and other types of fish) so im guessing it already has a headstart over that Brand nonscence.

This morning I had to drag myself out of bed at 7.30am, terrible eh! Got to work five minutes late as per usual, I feel rather guilty that I don't even feel guilty for being late. Ohwell. I've accepted I will be going to hell for this.

News on the co - op front today. Ooooh breathtaing stuff. Not very co operative. We had a rather large freezer delivery come in today, but the freezer is broke. So I spent a good amount of time bungling frozen jam doughnuts into carrier bags, ready to be taken to pendeford co -op for storage, where it appears they are lucky enough to have a freezer.

After work minus the uniform, some chav smiled at me in the street. Couldn't work out where I had seen her so I just smiled politley, then I get.... 'Aren't you the lady who works in bus passes'. I just nodded and said yeeah. Oh lord! the mortification - I am actually recognised by some people outside of work as the 'bus pass lady'. Surely I have more substance than that! I hope when I'm older I don't become the 'Cat lady'.

News on the Ben front - Falling for him and his 'Ben ways'....(I am aware this sounds like a line from a teenage book) but im officially no longer a teenager. So blah.
Im really proud of him, he has just done an article for the hearing times and its going to be published. Happy days!
Although he accused me of setting off the fire alarm by leaving my hair straighteners on (which I didn't may I just add - I double checked.) Although understandable to think it may have been me after last time. He made me some scrambled eggs for dinner, was nice. Those brown bits though (they deffo weren't burnt!!) :) ha.
I've been rabbiting on about going the zoo for a while now, i've worn him down so now he will come with me. yaaay. Might go for the day with my mum and sister when they come down to visit.
I hope Dudley zoo is better or on a parr with Chester zoo, im very doubtful though - as I have heard reports that the Monkeys at Dudley, 'Just sit there looking like they want to kill themselves'. Atleast at Chester zoo you are always garunteed some monkey throwing their shit. Should be an interesting day though. I may take some photos as evidence then whack them up on here.

News on the uni front - Reading for the intro to lit exam next week. That's it.

General News - Emma and myself are waiting for the Glasto line up to be officially released. We are hopeful for some decent bands. Spent a fair few productive hours together last night, drinking vodka and trying to come up with a design that will go on the flag for our tent.

In my haze of sleepiness this morning I managed to spray deodrant on my hair and hairspray under my arms. Not good. It hurt!

A vile thought

...So I went to my cupboard and got the honey and peanut butter out, only to realise I have no bloody bread. There was a banana in my cupboard, the thought crossed my mind for a second. . . but then left again...peanut butter and honey on a banana sounds disgusting. But on toast it is rather nice. I decided on settling for a nice cup of tea instead.

Had a nice weekend, didn't to anything spectacular but it was nice and relaxing. Me and Em went to look at three houses to live in next year - the answers, no, no and NO! We may be students, but we do not appreciate wallpaper from the 60's thats so graphic it makes you feel sick looking at it. The last house was o.k, but the MAJOR downside was the landlord lived next door. NO THANKYOU!!....if all else fails, could live in a tent. Well if it was good enough for the Wolverhampton ring road tramp!

Came home after work today, was thinking of stuff I could sell on ebay. Don't know if i can part with anything though, everything seems to mean something to me, or have a story behind it.
I have got a violin bow that I got from a sigur ros gig I went to in November, thankfully my dad is 6ft odd so when Jonsi threw it from the stage it hit my dad on the shoulder and landed by my feet. :D I guarded it like teh olympic torch.

I have thought about selling it, but a) probably no one would buy it, and b) it is so battered and all the strings are broke. I could just throw it away, but yet again it has a memory attached to it. Sigur Ros was probably - no actually the best gig I have ever been to. Some man standing next to me on the night offered me £80 for it. Should have just taken it. But my dad did go through the trouble of getting hit by it so I thought I better keep it. I have thought about selling books, but with me wanting to teach I will no doubt need them, even the one about Ian Curtis from Joy division.
OhGod, I really hope I don't become a hoarder of junk when im an old folk.

Anyway back to Saturday night,me and Ben went to nandos. When we got there we were informed there would be a twenty minute wait. Sod that! So had a takeaway instead, havent had one in ages. It was all really nice just spending time together, drowning in happiness! Shame I had to wake up at 7am and get ready for fun at the (not so) co opertaive food shop.

I was reading something today at work, apparently if you spend over £10 on the crap they sell, you recieve a free fair trade cotton bag. WOWZA!!

Anyway I won't moan about it next week because I am on 'holiday'. ha!

And I am not going to say anything else, because I am boring myself to sleep. I just find typing away without an actual purpose rather calming.

Goodnight folks!