Sunday, 8 March 2009

A parental decision

It's my week off work, so I am allowing myself some extra indulgent thinking time, I wasn't thinking about anything inparticular, until I was faced with a little dillemma, although I know the answer deep in my mind I think i need to write this just to clarify stuff in my head.

Here it goes - I am 20 years old and have only witnessed my Mum and Dad together once in all that time. I am not expecting people to feel sorry for me or anything, because everyones life is different, so for me this is just normal. My family is kind of just thrown together, it is hard to explain without atleast a five minute conversational story. (The family im talking about is on my mums side) Although some of them I am not related to in anyway, I would never consider them not to be my family. The are the only people I have got and I love the bones of them, they have helped in raising me, and I am immensly proud of every single one of them and fiercely protective to.
Yet on my Dads' side, I have two grandparents who seemingly do not wish to see me (through no fault of my own) and as I found out from my Dad a few months back, I am a hidden secret and most of his family do not even know of my existance. If i am honest this is rather a crushing blow, I don't want to sound like a dramatic fool here but a part of me got detroyed when I was told. I long for the rest of 'my family' to know about me, and for them to feel the pride for me that I know my mum does. I want them to now what a bloody good job she has done single handedly raising me.

I hate myself for this, but I do have an order in which I love my immediate family, my Mum and sister will always recieve more love from me than I could ever imagine myself giving to my Dad, although I love him to, when I think about things I feel a mixture of regret, love, resentment, jealousy and frustration at the way in which things involving him could have been so different.

My mum was not a 'stereotypical' teen parent that society bombards us with today. She had never smoked or took drugs (still hasnt - I hope!!) was the model A- Grade student, who had ambitions that could have been achieved, if it was't for my arrival. My parents went out as teenagers at school, she was 16 and my dad 15 when my mum found she was pregnant. They were not together by this time.

My dads family are catholics, so im guessing I was a shame and because my Dad was young, like any parent he was protected by his mum and dad. I don't know if he knew of this, but the rest of his family was not told he was expecting a child. Meanwhile my mum did not tell her parents she was pregnant until she was 3 or 4 months. Which came as a shock, but one she was supported through and the rest of the family gave their unconditional love and help.

All 2lb 12oz of me was born 3 months early. (This is maybe a good thing, as the date I was due on, is/was Hitler's Birthday) I was subsequently transferred to a special care baby unit and kept in hospital for three months until my mum was well enough to take my scrawny self home. During this time, not one person from my Dad's side of the family not even my Dad made the effort to come and see me. Whislt on the other hand my Mum and the family on her side made the effort to go on the bus for the two hour round trip to come see me everyday.

Mum never scrounged and had several jobs to help buy the things I needed, I didn't have a dad but so what, I had the best childhood. All the memories I have are happy ones (playing boats with my uncle in my nan's laundry basket) and my mum aged 2o coming to collect me from the climbing frame in the park, where I had got myself stuck at aged 4. I remember the first pair of trainers she got me, I never wanted to get them dirty. Or the electronic jeep she worked so hard to buy me for christmas. I never really thought about the lack of a father, because I had never had one present. Although it appears from both of their accounts, the last time he saw me I was 2 or 3. Not that it was a problem for me then i was too young to know, It's only now in my adult life that having a dad is causing problems.

When dad was 18/19 off he popped to university to do (...not to sure) whilst my fiercely independant Mum was left at home rasing me without any help from my dad. When I was 4 mum met a man who I went on to call Dad. From their relationship they produced my wonderful sister Ellis who I am so proud of. They were together a long time then it crumbled. Leaving Ellis without a Dad, me without a 'Dad' for a second time, but also mum single again.

We went along in life like three peas in a pod, I never questioned my dad's existance really. Until I was 16, then it all unfolded form there, outside Tescos near Father's day. (haha)

I remember shitting it meeting my dad, if my mum was shitting it to I couldn't tell. Although she probably was. This was the first and last time they had seen each other since they were 18 or something.

I have known my father 4 years now, although he is a pain I would rather have him than no Dad. ...He can be ok sometimes. We are both just incredibly stubborn and too much alike in our personalities. He has had the oppurtunity to come several parents evenings, awards evenings A level results day etc..he hasn't came to any. And my mum and dad never speak to each other ever, which apart from being rather sad, is bloody annoying - especially when i recieved to camera's for christmas this year.

So now I am faced with a dillemma - I only ever see him like every 3 months, and I have only been home from uni 5 times, since I moved out in september 2007. So it would be nice to spend time with my mum and sister.
Now both folks are offering to see me on the 28th of this month and I don't know what to do. My mind is saying Mum and sister, but I also want to see my dad. But know that if i don't see him now, I won't get to see him for another few months. aaaaaarrrrrggghhhh. I feel bad because I know my mum has given me more love than Dad ever will, so I feel like its my duty to say yes to her. I don't know what to do.

I am 20 my Mum is 36 my sister 13 and my Dad 35, and still coming to a decision is hard. I would love to be 4 years old again, being rescued from the climbing frame by my mum.

hhhhmmmmmmmmm what to do??

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